“Venting is so toxic!” 

This is the emphatic sentiment of one of my clients. She was having the realization that ‘venting’—the uncensored verbal release of emotions to another person or online community—had become a pervasive and unchecked habit in her life. In her own words: venting was more toxic than she ever realized.

Can you relate?

Venting is a Temptation We All Face

We’ve all experienced the tendency (or desperate need) to ‘vent’ whenever emotions are running high, especially now that the world seems so divided on so many important issues. Venting has become not only an acceptable practice, but a healthy and necessary one: Are you angry? Irritated? Frustrated? Just vent! All we need is to ‘get it out of our system’ or ‘release the tension’ and all will be fine…right? 

Venting is a Temporary Fix

Maybe for a while. But in most cases venting is a temporary fix. Soon those feelings inevitably re-surface or guilt ensues after the damage of venting has been done. What we’ve said is out there and we can’t take it back. Perhaps that’s why the writer of the ancient proverb said

“A fool vents all his feelings but a wise man holds them back.”  

Proverbs 29:11

Holding back is not equated with bottling up our emotions or shoving them under the rug. It is referred to here as wisdom: choosing to hold back our tongue (or typing fingers!) until we’ve held our emotions before our Lord, the very Maker of our mystifying human complexity.

In fact the only examples of acceptable venting we see in Scripture seem to be that which is directed towards God. When we pour our hearts out to Him first, this gives the Holy Spirit time and space to bring perspective along with the powerful fruits of peace, patience, kindness and self-control to our rescue… before we give into our own impulsive release towards others. 

The Word of God Can Keep Us Accountable

In times when I’ve been unsure of whether my words are worthy of speaking out loud, I’ve found the following passage a helpful barometer:

Do not let any unwholesome [foul, profane, worthless, vulgar] talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [but seek to please Him], with whom you were sealed [branded as God’s own] for the day of redemption.

Ephesians 4:29-30 (AMP)

Practically Speaking…

We can weigh these questions against our actions:

1. Will what I’m about to share build others up?
2. Will it benefit (give grace) to those who are listening?
3. Will it grieve or please the Holy Spirit of God within me?

Depending on our answers, it may help determine if our verbal response would be wise… or just plain foolish. 

This is all easier said than done, something I unfortunately know all too well. I have failed many times in my relationships to ‘hold back’ my tongue and have paid the consequences.

God’s Promises When We Resist Venting

But when we choose to pause, hold back and resist the urge to seek the immediate gratification we think venting to others will bring, God promises to sustain us (Psalm 55:22), to give us strength in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9) and care for us deeply and completely (1 Peter 5:7) in a way that no human being can. Not that we don’t need human interaction. We absolutely do. But this is about being more intentional with our words and recognizing the power behind them, both to bless and to curse. 

Are your words building up or tearing down? Pleasant or poisonous? Tactful or toxic? 

Take the opportunity now to examine your life and see if your verbal ways could do with some improvements. Pray and ask God to show you alternative and perhaps more constructive ways of emotional release that go beyond the ways of foolish venting (bringing only temporary relief), to the ways of the wise (resulting in true and lasting resolve). It is so worth it.

*This post is a version of an article that was published in The Brink magazine.

*Looking for a coach to walk alongside you in your most challenging relationships? Consider booking a free consult here and let’s chat.