I had always known (in theory) that the holiday season was a difficult time for many. But it wasn’t until I experienced the loss of a loved one myself that I really understood what it meant. I faced head on the painful collision of a grief-stricken heart with the tsunami of the holiday season, which brought with it a tidal wave of questions:

How am I supposed to enter into ‘the most wonderful time of year’ when all I feel is the pain of missing my loved one? What am I supposed to do – grin and bear it? Or boycott the festivities all together? How can I possibly feel joy when sorrow has forced its way, like an unwelcome intruder, into the home of my heart?

These were some of my own questions in those first few Christmas’s after losing my mom, whose departure from this earth left one of the biggest holes my heart has ever felt. No longer having mom led to a landslide of losses no one can ever prepare for: from losing a part of myself, to losing my closest companion, my confidant, my cheerleader and the ‘central hub station’ of our entire family. Mom was the faith-filled anchor from which we all happily tethered our boats, keeping us safe and afloat in the ever-changing storms of life. What does one do when her anchor is suddenly gone?

That is a little of my story. What is yours? What kind of loss are you facing right now as we come into the final month of 2021? The loss of a loved one… of a marriage… of a happy child… of a dream… of trust… of a feeling of peace and safety in our chaotic world?

In this post, as we enter the first week of Advent, I’d like to offer first, a prayer for the brokenhearted; second, a tip to navigate a grieving Christmas; and third, an invitation to partner up for the grief journey.

First, a Prayer for the Brokenhearted

I wrote out this prayer a few years ago while serving as a prayer liturgest at my church. It was only a year after losing my mom to cancer, so I remember how raw it felt as I struggled to string the words together from my own broken heart. It is a simple prayer, but while writing it, it reminded me that God’s heart really is so tender and soft towards the brokenhearted. I remember silently weeping as I read the prayer, feeling somehow the weeping heart of Jesus pour through me that night. As Psalm 34:18 puts it:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

May the words of this prayer wash over you, reminding you of the tender heart of our Lord towards you and your soul crushing situation, as we head into Advent this season:

Heavenly Father, we thank you that this week marks the beginning of Advent, a time of waiting, watching, preparing, reflecting, remembering, anticipating, and hoping. A time when we look back in celebration of Your first coming…while at the same time looking forward in eager anticipation of Your coming again.

Father, we desire to enter fully into this season of Advent, focused and unfettered. We want to slow down to reflect, pray and ponder who You are and what You have done for us in sending Your Son to us. And yet, we confess our inability to do so on our own accord, on our own strength. We confess our weakness, our short attention spans, our selfishness, our sin and our succumbing to the pull of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. We ask for Your forgiveness, Lord, in all the ways we fall short… and for Your help this Advent, in keeping You at the center of our waiting and our wanting.

Father, we also bring before you all of those for whom this time of year is difficult. Please be especially near to those in our midst who are battling Covid or other sicknesses, grieving the loss of a loved one, are alone, struggling to provide for their family or to rebuild their lives after recent natural disasters. Bring Your healing Presence and Your hope-filled touch to all who are beaten down, broken, and barely surviving, we pray.

Finally Lord, I ask that today and in the weeks ahead, that You would renew us, refill us, and reveal to us a deeper sense of what Advent, the coming of Your Son, means. For Jesus is Immanuel–God with us–the greatest gift we all can receive this Christmas… the ultimate healing salve in our sorrow. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

If you’d like to learn more about God’s enormously tender and merciful heart, I highly recommend Dane C. Ortlund’s Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers.

Second, a Tip for those Grieving this Christmas

If you’re in a season of grief and mourning, you may wonder how you should approach the holidays. Sometimes we feel as if we should do things as we’ve always done. This is the ‘just grin and bear it’ approach. We stuff all our emotions down and pretend like everything is ok when really, it is not. This may be the right approach for some. There really is no ‘right or wrong’ answer here, for everyone’s grief journey is unique, and so is their path to healing.

But as I have had the privilege of walking alongside some precious grieving souls these past couple years as a grief coach for Fuel for the Journey, I have observed that people often need permission to do things differently. This might mean forgoing some of the traditions that involved the loved one who died, or it might mean adapting traditions depending on what the family feels up to doing. If the usual gifts and fancy foods seem like too much to pull off this year, then being able to communicate this to other members of the family is important. It doesn’t mean you have to change things permanently, but for this year, you may prefer doing less of the usual fanfare, as you give yourself space to grieve and walk through the painful emotions of missing the presence of your loved one. That is completely OKAY.

In case you are wondering where to even begin thinking through how to spend your holiday, here is a free download of a worksheet that can help get you thinking about the things you would like to keep the same and things you would like to change. It is compliments of Dr. Don Eisenhauer of Coaching at End of Life.

Third, an Invitation – You Are Not Alone

You don’t have to walk the journey of grief alone. Many people in your life won’t know what to say, or they’ll give you their best ‘pep talks’ telling you what you should do to feel better. After all, it is time to ‘move on’ and ‘get over it’ isn’t it?

Though this kind of advice is most often well-meaning, it is not always helpful. What we most often need and crave, is a space where we can take all the time we need to process through and express ‘the really really’ of our grief. And we need to do so in a non-judgmental space.

That is where grief coaching comes in. It is a relationship that provides a safe and supportive space where you have permission to do and say anything (yes, anything!) you need to as you courageously face the pain of your loss, instead of suppress, ignore or avoid it. Feeling angry? Confused? Hurt? Sad? Resentful? Abandoned by God? Good! These are all components of the painful (and unpredictable) web of emotions that are part of the grief journey. It is never easy to let them out, but ‘letting them out’ really is one of the biggest steps towards healing you can take. Are you ready?

Why not take a moment and schedule a FREE consultation so we can chat and assess if grief coaching may be a good fit for you. I would consider it an honor to meet you where you are and hear your story.

In the meantime, check out these other books, which have been a blessing to me in my grief journey:

• A Grief Observed, by CS Lewis
• Turn my Mourning into Dancing, by Henri Nouwen
• Disappointment with God, by Philip Yancey
• Hope in the Dark, by Craig Groeschel
• A Grace Disguised, by Jerry L. Sittser
• Finding Beauty in the Crevices of Pain, by Felicia GY Lam
• Coach Yourself Through Grief, by Dr. Don Eisenhauer